July 09, 2002 - 10:21 AM
Good morning.
It's going to be one of those days where I'm going to try and write the time away. I want to go home and hide from the world. I do not want to be here in this form. I don't want to be here at all.
I caught sight of myself in the mirror. Fuck, I'm ugly. I've managed tp put on more weight than lose it in my efforts to try to eat less and better. SK doesn't help. He won't fucking eat veggies, so I throw out all the fresh stuff that I buy every week because it goes rotten. It's frustrating that he refuses to help me in any way. I know this is a case of helping myself, I know no one can do it for me, but... yeah. I need help.
I wish I could go back to The Enforcer and have her kick my arse around a bit. She was cool. She provided the support, but she didn't coddle. I didn't want to be coddled - I still don't. I want someone to tell me to pull my socks up and keep going. But I can't afford to see her. $24 a week is big hole in my pocket that I just cope with. It's hard enough as it is.
There's also another problem with that, to buy GOOD food and not just crap is bloody expensive. I can't afford to get the diet stuff (the GOOD diet stuff that doesn't taste like cardboard). Fruit and veggies is fine, I can pick and choose from those most of the time, but I'm a lady of convenience. I hate making sandwiches. If it's not ready for me to eat when I want it, I wont get it. I haven't got the time to spend fifteen minutes making a wonderful sandwich, only to sit at my desk and have everything wilt while I'm forced to take calls in the last 10 minutes of my so-called lunch break (fuck this, I want my full hour back again so I can go walking at lunch time!!!!!!). I'm also picky when it comes to vegetables. There's not much I like. I am not a veggie-saurus. I HATE the taste of greenery. I know homo sapiens are omnivors, but shit, I like MEAT.
I'm looking into buying some gym gear. Namely a treadmill. I can't walk around alone in my neighbourhood at night time. It's too scarey these days and I don't like doing it. Even when I'm walking with Mum, it's nerve-wracking. So I'll have to patiently wait for Daylight Savings to kick back in in September, and then I can do my nightly stroll. But until then, I want a treadmill so I can walk while watching TV, in the comfort of my own home and away from prying eyes.
I need to get myself into a new routine.
