July 26, 2002 - 11:43 PM
In my depression, I do really stupid things.
I read sites that I really shouldn't read and find myself even more depressed and upset than I was before I started.
Not only do I do this online, but I seek it in more permanant forms of media - newspapers, news groups, magazines, the television... so on.
But tonight I was once again brought to devistation.
I was raised as a Catholic (or Christian, however you look at it) not by choice but by the fact that my parents wanted me to have a better education in a private school - something that is severely lacking in our public schools.
But that's beside the point - and for the record, the education in the private sector sucks just as bad as the public.
I was taught to respect my fellow man (woman, and child). I was taught to love my neighbour, whatever race or creed. I was taught that we are all equal under the eyes of this omnipotant God that everyone seems to worship.
All equal. That's what stood out in my mind the most.
Equal.
So when I see shit like GodHatesFags and GodHatesAmerica and the site for the Pink Swastika and freaks like Jerry Falwell on the television and internet...
I feel like throwing up.
How can people hate like that?
I was told once that I should have turned to God before I turned to relationships with girls after The Incident.
Turned to God?
Where was God when I was held down? Where was God when I had two penises shoved down my throat? Or did He, in some sick and twisted way hear my prayers not to be raped and thought I could deal with a bit of forced deep-throating?
I wasn't wearing anything revealing. I wasn't drunk or stoned. I wasn't actively flirting or coming on to anyone. I was at a party enjoying time with my friends.
And I was cornered.
It made me afraid of men for a very long time.
I couldn't even hug my father.
SK scared me the first moment I laid eyes on him and he hadn't even touched me. I was frightened that first night in Perth.
Fortunately my faith in SK - not God - pulled me through what was a really difficult period of my life.
Yet I am to be called all kinds of evil for the way I behaved then and the way I think now, by people who worship under the very same religion as I did.
It really saddens me. It makes me angry. It disgusts me.
