August 12, 2002 - 9:34 AM
Thomas was... depressed(?) over the weekend when I spoke to him for all of about 2 minutes. But then again, when isn't he? His life is full of drama. Poor soul. I have no idea if he reads my journal anymore and frankly, I don't really care if he does or not, it's his perogative. But it surprised me that he gave me the link to his 'secret' diary to show me rather than tell me how he was feeling.
Fair enough.
I never made any attempt to guess what his new journal username was because 1, I was pissed off at him and 2, he told me he didn't want me to read it anyway. Fair enough (again). However, the link made me laugh, I could have guessed it if I wanted to. And of course, what was the first thing I did? My sadistic curiosity got the better of me and I went straight to the first entry to find out if he said anything about me.
He did. I laughed. I wasn't surprised, but it made me wonder.
How many other people see me as 'false' and a 'chore' to talk to? I would honestly like to know. Heh, my words betray me, what he said niggled at me a bit, but my curiosity gets the better of me too.
Anyway... I read the diary... right through this morning and ended up arching an eyebrow more than a few times. I wish I could be more sympathetic, I really do. I care for Thomas, always have, but I can't bring myself to get emotionally involved anymore. I end up feeling hurt that I can't help out anymore than I honestly can and he seems to step from one cow-pat into another and ends up making a real mess of himself. I hope he'll come out alright in the end, but he obviously needs to make a few more mistakes before he can straighten himself out. As I said to him on the weekend, he might need to make a few more before he sorts his life out enough to be happy and accept his lot.
On another note... the course I wanted to do in design? I don't think I've spoken on it before... but it's $7950 (yes, thats seven thousand, nine hundred and fifty dollars, no typos there) for a part-time for a year (Monday and Tuesday nights in the city). I'm depressed about it because it sounds sooo good. It's done by Shillington College. Good luck to anyone who can afford it. I wish I could.
God I hate my life sometimes. It struck me yesterday (again) that I've done completely nothing worth being proud of at all. And there's so much I want to do. I was upset on Sunday and Tiger was online and I think I upset him by not telling him what was going on. I wanted to, but I didn't want to dissolve into tears for the umpteenth time that morning and I knew if I started typing all that shit then I would, and then SK would see me crying and then get upset that I wasn't talking to him about it (which I already had, hence all the tears). I sent through an apology, but he let himself time off and obviously logged off.
So Tiger, if you're still wanting to know what's going on, all of the above and more.
Anyway... there's a number of things I want to seriously do.
1. Spend six months working in a pub in Ireland. Apparently the Irish love the Aussies there as much as the Aussies love the Irish in the pubs here. If you're Irish and come to Australia with a working visa, go to any pub, they'll hire you in a minute - even less. I now realize that this is not possible anymore. When I was single-ish (or at least SK was still in Perth), I would have been able to, but not now. Too many commitments.
2. Bloody Lynda (aka 'Momma' Seraphine) has put it in my head to spend a year with her and Doug in Montanna in the mountains and see in all the seasons and record everything with my camera. Oh I wish I could do this. I wish, I wish, I wish. It's something that's right up there in the wants list. *wishes*
3. I want to go back to school. I don't know what I want to study. Something most likely in multi-media or writing. I would love to do a writing course too. Or maybe actually study photography and improve my technique. However all of this, even separately, costs a shitload of money I just don't have at the moment.
4. On a whim, I want to visit all the castles of Europe - especially the haunted ones. All of them. I'd love to risk being sent mad from spending a night in the most haunted place in the world. I'd probably give myself a heart attack when my imagination got the better of me, but I still want to know if there are ghosts walking around in those places.
Of all of them, the only one even vaguely feasible is the 4th... which I can partly do on my honeymoon - if I end up marrying SK.
It upset me because I knew I couldn't, any time soon at least (like, before I'm too old to enjoy it), afford to leave due to my responsibilities here. It hurts that that is the case, and that's what upset me so much. I've done nothing to be able to stand up proudly and say "I've done something great!"
*sighs*
Blah.
Welcome to another dreary Melbourne morning from the middle of the legal precinct in the city. Rar rar rar.
